Take Me Out To The Ball Game!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Always Wanted To Be A Dalmation

Just when you think your husband is tucked away in his bed 1500 miles away from you, you find out he's been............up all night praying over you! Okay, the miracle in that sentence alone could send me on a three chapter-long rabbit-trail, but he just called to tell me that in the middle of the night the Lord gave him a picture for me:

The picture:

pure white, blinding white. then next to it something that had spots all over it like a dalmation's spots-brown and black

the pure white is me: my heart in God. It's how God created me to be and how I am when I am with Him. The spots are the hurts and injuries I've incurred since....forever. But when I go to God the injuries and hurts are instantly washed away and I'm pure white again.

God's not saying that the injuries and hurts aren't there but that the second I seek Him, they vanish. He also said that I'm not supposed to pull back and NOT be the person He created me to be because of the brown and black spots.

He also told Jeff that there are hurts that are happening right now that are complete injustices and I am being wronged but that God is waiting to wash me clean-to be spot free.


And to think I was cryin' in my milk (okay, diet pepsi) because a friend totally threw me under the bus this week. And here I am under the bus......but God is standing right there waiting for me...extending His hand out to me.

This is me reaching out for His hand as I'm covered in black and blue spots under the bus.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Rejection Right Up To The End

This three years and three months in the wilderness with God has done nothing if not teach me how to deal with rejection..... and most of it has been from within my own family. Wow. And I'm not having a pity party here, I'm just realizing that we, as sinners, will always manifest who we truly are: broken and lost.

The latest installment comes from the person who's provided the most in volume and certainly the most consistent rejection (of me, my kids, my housekeeping skills, my time management skills, my writing skills, etc...) since entering this amazing journey.

Would it be SO hard to ask me if I wanted to go a party of someone that I know better than HE does? That the whole reason he even knows this friend is because WE introduced him to him. And the answer is yes, it would be and is utterly impossible for him to extend a simple invitation to me, his daughter, because of the profound rejection he knows as well as his own skin. He has NO idea how NOT to shut people out. Just because I understand this dynamic from a spiritual and intellectual point of view doesn't make it any less painful. I'm so tired of this I could just scream and I can't wait to be AWAY from this family so at least I won't KNOW about everything that I'm not invited to .

But this is such a good reminder for me: I'm every bit as consistent in my sin and in my flesh. Why should someone else be different? Why hold another to a different standard just because he or she is my parent? Why indeed? Because I continue to seek someone who will please stand up and be the grown-up in my life? It's just not going to happen.

I have been disowned because I refused to agree with one parent on a diagnosis for a grandchild whom she has only seen three times in his life and the other one appears to be stuck in a crevass of love-withheld and rejection.

I'm looking forward to NOT being the dumping ground anymore. I have MORE than enough of my own sin and shortcomings to deal with without an audience.