Take Me Out To The Ball Game!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Always Wanted To Be A Dalmation

Just when you think your husband is tucked away in his bed 1500 miles away from you, you find out he's been............up all night praying over you! Okay, the miracle in that sentence alone could send me on a three chapter-long rabbit-trail, but he just called to tell me that in the middle of the night the Lord gave him a picture for me:

The picture:

pure white, blinding white. then next to it something that had spots all over it like a dalmation's spots-brown and black

the pure white is me: my heart in God. It's how God created me to be and how I am when I am with Him. The spots are the hurts and injuries I've incurred since....forever. But when I go to God the injuries and hurts are instantly washed away and I'm pure white again.

God's not saying that the injuries and hurts aren't there but that the second I seek Him, they vanish. He also said that I'm not supposed to pull back and NOT be the person He created me to be because of the brown and black spots.

He also told Jeff that there are hurts that are happening right now that are complete injustices and I am being wronged but that God is waiting to wash me clean-to be spot free.


And to think I was cryin' in my milk (okay, diet pepsi) because a friend totally threw me under the bus this week. And here I am under the bus......but God is standing right there waiting for me...extending His hand out to me.

This is me reaching out for His hand as I'm covered in black and blue spots under the bus.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Rejection Right Up To The End

This three years and three months in the wilderness with God has done nothing if not teach me how to deal with rejection..... and most of it has been from within my own family. Wow. And I'm not having a pity party here, I'm just realizing that we, as sinners, will always manifest who we truly are: broken and lost.

The latest installment comes from the person who's provided the most in volume and certainly the most consistent rejection (of me, my kids, my housekeeping skills, my time management skills, my writing skills, etc...) since entering this amazing journey.

Would it be SO hard to ask me if I wanted to go a party of someone that I know better than HE does? That the whole reason he even knows this friend is because WE introduced him to him. And the answer is yes, it would be and is utterly impossible for him to extend a simple invitation to me, his daughter, because of the profound rejection he knows as well as his own skin. He has NO idea how NOT to shut people out. Just because I understand this dynamic from a spiritual and intellectual point of view doesn't make it any less painful. I'm so tired of this I could just scream and I can't wait to be AWAY from this family so at least I won't KNOW about everything that I'm not invited to .

But this is such a good reminder for me: I'm every bit as consistent in my sin and in my flesh. Why should someone else be different? Why hold another to a different standard just because he or she is my parent? Why indeed? Because I continue to seek someone who will please stand up and be the grown-up in my life? It's just not going to happen.

I have been disowned because I refused to agree with one parent on a diagnosis for a grandchild whom she has only seen three times in his life and the other one appears to be stuck in a crevass of love-withheld and rejection.

I'm looking forward to NOT being the dumping ground anymore. I have MORE than enough of my own sin and shortcomings to deal with without an audience.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Three Years & Three Months

*Went into Costco looking for food, came out with a friend for life

*Two SeaFair Parades

*Baby octupi on Owens Beach

*I finally found Jesus after a lifetime of religion

*Watching Korean pastors in Kona get rocked by God's love

*Mt. Rainier

*Beaches at lowtide

*Dog parks

*DP's best friend

*Waiting for Meerkats

*Freedom into the nations

*4th of July on Ruston

*DP's crab-brokering business

*Becoming a "Bicklette"

*Learning how to tap into God's ridiculousness

*SeaFair Hydro races

*SeaFair pirates up-close and personal

*Hayden begins talking

*Ferry rides

*Bug rides a horse like he was born on one

*DP builds a radio

The Cost of Freedom

I will never pay the cost that Christ paid on the cross for me....yet more and more I am beginning to comprehend (in the most elementary way) what it means when people say "there is a cost to following Christ".

For me, three years after beginning what I believed was going to be a relatively short geographical journey from the Rocky Mountain West to the Northwest, I'm beginning to pay the cost.

First let me say first off God has saved me on this journey. So any stings or inconveniences I've experienced pale in comparison to the amazing gift of life. But as we prepare to move on, to take the message of freedom to new friends, I want to reflect on what I thought was going-to-be to what actually is:

>I thought I would be closer than ever to my cousins and aunt who live nearby. I thought we would chum around and I would finally taste the sweetness of a quasi sibling relationship with my cousins. Instead my aunt's prison of anger and hatred toward everyone (but a lot of it directed at me as she lives across the street) has all but isolated me from my cousins. We've experienced being shut out from family gatherings that have happened across the street, lies and slander have been said behind my daughter's back about the quality of her home-based education, and my parenting skills have come under fire more times than I can count.

>I thought I would reconnect with my best friends from high school with whom I've kept in contact all this time. Those doors have shut and one friend told me she didn't want any contact with me anymore.

>My mother moved from within this state to the other side of the country within months of us coming here.

Most recently she has become extremely surly and nasty to me over the phone, because I didn't agree with her nearly a year ago when she was trying to convince me that one of my children has autism. She has seen this child three times in his life but the price I pay is that our relationship (which has been tenuous at best for some time-often because I've dared to have my own thoughts and beliefs) is now over. I did talk with her a few days ago because she left a message on my phone but now our conversation was without any reference to how my children are or how I am doing. The conversation rang hollow and empty and I noticed that when her number popped up on my phone's caller ID my stomach did flip flops. The cost.

>My cousins don't ask about our missions trips and show no interest in what the Lord is doing in our lives. Because they won't talk to us, it's tough to share the Good News with them. We've seen Korean career pastors weep with joy when they realize God's very specific and loving plan for their lives. We've watched an entire church fall under the power of the glory of God but our stories stay silent at family gatherings.

But what is this really? Nothing. Stings and barbs. Woundings to be sure, but as I turn it all over to God everyday, more and more healing comes. I'm learning to forgive like I've never forgiven before (because I've never forgiven before).
> I've made one amazing friend here who I will take with me wherever we go, wherever we end up. She breathes sanity and reality into my life almost on a daily basis. That will not change.
> Jesus reached down and saved me from a bottomless pit of endless anger and self-hatred (and therefor, hatred of everyone around me).
> I found out God's original design for my life and contrary to ALL the previous information poured into me up until that point, I don't suck!! Really, I don't!! God's plan FOR me to further His kingdom, to further His message of LOVE for the entire world, absolutely rocks. I'm so excited to be able to spread the GOOD news I can hardly stand it.
> I learned how to pray for God to get RIDICULOUS in my life. Now I'm hooked on the ridiculous and will never settle for boring again.

Never boring. Worth any cost.